Before and Beyond - Chapter 1

Passing the frozen vegetables, she caught herself sigh.

It was one of those moments.

Thirty six years seemed to have passed as a dream. Even the dreaded flashes had come and gone. No more monthly episodes -what a relief. And she had her life, children who were older and on their own for the most part, a beautiful house in an enviable neighborhood and her husband - a good man.

She could not help be connected to her children. She loved them more than her life, but then, lately, she had begun to feel that loving anything more than her life was an easy achievement.

Her husband -typical. She knew he had gone behind her back. She knew that he was probably aware of her sensing his outside interests, but neither of them broached that territory. It was too late now wasn't it?

But that was not what tugged and burned within. No she had grown used to the idea of his infidelity as a possible playing card that could be used if she wanted but at a later date.

No. It was her life itself. It used to be so vibrant -as her startling beauty.

There was no hiding it. Her life was passing; not just her looks, crayon resemblances of what had once been reminding her and old friends she might bump into occasionally downtown. She could see their faces. They knew who she used to be way back then - when she had Him - back home when times were good and times were bad; good because of Him and bad because of her father. Mom understood, but her father-another Mediteranean, could not see past the myopic haze of his own world, one he felt he controlled.

"No daughter of mine is going to be allowed to have boyfriends that are not of my approval. Find a good boy whose parents come from the old country. Make your family proud. Don't bring shame upon us and upon yourself. It's not good enough to simply have a boyfriend, but you have to step out with one of them?" He screamed.

Tears welled up in his eyes. She had never seen her father this hurt or enraged. Even when he was angry before there was connection to her father. Oh there had been times, like after the school dance. The close call with the cigarette pack or the time when she had tried some Rum and they could smell it on her.

But this. He looked like he would have a heart attack.Normally Mom would be able to at least act as a buffer. But this time was different. Even she had retreated. And now her father saw her as an enemy. It would never be the same.

Ah,- but she had given in. She found a right man who, yes- was a 'hunk' and of the right blood and at first she was happy and even 'in love' for a while. He'd even taken her away from small town Quebec.

Those were times when she still looked into the future as one looks to the horizon and sees Emerald City. So much to look forward to, distracted by purchasing homes and having children and making the right friends. But all this had become, - ordinary. Now it seemed she only looked back - back to a time.

She reached for a frozen Lasagna. A tear fell off the tip of her nose into her shopping cart as she headed for the cash.

Standing in line she glanced at the magazines, trying hard to forget and push the moment back down. She looked around, sunshine out the front window and caught her breath, the world seemed to stop, her mouth became dry, as the shadow of the short dark stranger who -yet, was so familiar passed as if in slow motion. Was it the shape of his head? His walk? She had not seen his face. There was no need to. Her whole being knew.

A nice old lady was just entering the store, thinking of her list, 'Is it in my purse or my pocket? Where are my glasses?' all the while hoping the young men would pack her groceries right this time and not try to fit too much into two bags. Then out of nowhere, look of desperation and- something else, a younger woman in her forties or early fifties, actually ran, full tilt, knocking her purse startling her as she rushed by.

"But it's o.k. ," she thought.

"What else was in that look?

I know that look!"

" Yes - Hope."